I need to stop coming to work sober
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
