Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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