Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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