So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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