life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
