I look better un-naked...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
