just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize