Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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