i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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