Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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