I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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