I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
