Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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