i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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