Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
