where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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