Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
