Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
