Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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