My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
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