I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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