You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
