Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
