finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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