the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
