I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do vagina's smell?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
