Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
