Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
