the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
