Swine flu is the new snow day.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
