I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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