well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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