Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
