I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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