so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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