I am spending my child support on dildos
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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