My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
