Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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