i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
