I'm eating all of the evidence.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The Olympian is in my bed
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
