He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
