good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
