She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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