Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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