Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you made out with another girl for some wings
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize