Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
