Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
