yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
