Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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