If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
