My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
