don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
