got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
