You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Randomize
