I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Success! We fucked roommates!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
