i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
