i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
