was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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