dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize